Saturday, December 13, 2014

Biggest Regret

This is a hard topic for me.  I know they say have no regrets just learning experiences, but there are things in my life that really weren't learning experiences just plain regrets.  The biggest one I can think of is one that I have never talked about or told anyone, until now.  It's not some big huge secret, but I have always felt that if I were to tell anyone they would think it was lame, and in all honesty not really that big of a deal.  So i've kept it in, and since this is my place to let it all out and say what I want, here it goes.
My biggest regret has to do with my angel baby.  Now, before I get to the regret part, I want to share a little about this sweet little baby because I haven't been able to in a long time and I have it all written down in a book, but I won't go into as much detail is in that.  I feel people need to hear it, it's special to me and lately I've just wanted to talk about it but felt like no one would care because it's in the past and I have so much more to be thankful for and talking about.
Last April we had decided it was time to have another baby, I got pregnant quickly and was so excited.  I went to the doctor, he did an ultrasound and he saw two little dots on the screen.  My first thought, wow, twins, crazy.  He said one could just be debris but it seemed to early to tell so we scheduled for me to come back in two weeks.  I went back, and not much had changed, I did some blood work, but they were worried this wouldn't be a viable pregnancy.  We went back for another ultrasound and after a lot of confusion and seeing the ungrowing speck where it shouldn't have been in the first place, we were told it was not viable and if we didn't do something now it could do a lot of harm to me because it was in my tubes.  An eptopic pregnancy, or tubal pregnancy is what I had.  The fertilized egg, my baby, didn't make it to where it needed to go to be able to grow properly.
I got a horrible shot into both side of my bum, and a few days later after a painful, emotionally and physically, painful few days, it was over.  My baby was gone, just like that.  I never got to see a heartbeat, I never got to get a picture, and I'll never know if there was actually one that we saw on that first ultrasound and it should have been twins, but the one never made it and I had to terminate both.
Deep down, I feel it was just one, but my biggest regret is not asking for a picture of the final ultrasound.  I only have memories and I wish I had a little picture, as dumb as that may sound, it would have meant more to me than anything.  I love that baby, and I know I will meet that sweet angel some day.  I feel like this baby was a sweet little girl, she has come to me several times in my dreams and she is beautiful.  She has long, curly blonde hair and the most beautiful smile.  She smiles at me and tells me everything is fine and she's so happy and she loves me and then I wake up.  These dreams are my favorite.
She will forever be in my heart and in my dreams and I until I meet her in heaven, that's where we'll have our special moments together.

2 comments:

  1. I love this. Miscarriage is hard especially when you have a new little one after. It feels like everyone just expects you to say well I have this one now so I can forget about the miscarriage and move on. And when you want to talk about your miscarriage it feels like people are thinking why aren't you grateful for the new baby? And it's not that. I love Taiyden and Amberlyn but it doesn't mean I'll forget Greyson or what I went through. I actually did get an ultrasound pic since we did see a heartbeat.. I'm sorry you didn't get one:( my dr keeps actual copies of all the ultrasounds maybe you could ask? Mine has a tear stain on it from Seth sitting at the table just looking at it and crying. He'd probably kill me for sharing that;)

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    1. Oh my heart sank reading that about the tear stain but so sweat. I might just call and ask, what would it hurt. I would love to have that little picture for myself.

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