Well, that went well

Here I am, 4 days later, after indulging into a handful (or 2) of bugles, a slice of iced lemon loaf from Starbucks (totally worth it) and licking the bowl clean from the first batch of cupcakes I'm making for a little almost 3 year old's birthday party tomorrow.  God knows I will be licking the bowl again after the second batch is done, so deal with it.
I have not done so well with this "Cammi challenge" I gave to myself.  After day 1 my shins hurt and I refused to wake up to go walking.  I did have every intention of going after dinner that night, but other plans came up that involved a visit to hubby's grandmother and when she offered frozen yogurt I definitely did not decline.  In fact, I may have given myself a little (lot) too much and then over did it on the toppings.  We got home late, so no walk.  And did I mention the ice cream sundaes we had for a cool down treat with the kiddos?  Yeah, definitely not my finest moment.
The next day, I didn't even think about a walk, I just basically had already given up because in my mind, I already failed and I'm never going to be able to say no to the extras and stay on track.  Anyway, the next day, we had a doctor appointment for my 9 year old to start wart removal process.  Which I never knew was so involved.  My mom came with us and whenever there's a doctor's appointment with grandma we always get ice cream or lunch.  Today was lunch, and it was fast food and I didn't say no.  I ate it all, got a second fill of my Dr. Pepper and headed home.  We spent the afternoon out playing in the kiddie pool and when the neighbor offered me an ice cold Pepsi in the 100 degree weather I again didn't decline.  Dinner was the most healthy part of my day, aside from the beer I had on the side.  Grilled chicken and salad.  I can't recall eating anything after that, but again, no thought of a walk at all, just self hating my body but not caring too much to do anything about it.
Day 3, I slept in as long as I could today before the kids were practically begging me to get out of bed.  Sugary cereal for breakfast, leftover chicken fingers from the kids meal 2 days ago, macaroni and cheese and carrots and hummus for lunch.  Lots iced tea, some with a splash of vodka, and eggs, ham and hashbrowns for dinner.  Oh, and a Milky Way for a snack.  So not as terrible, but definitely some poor choices were made.  But again, I was out in the sun most of the afternoon being a good mom and neighbor and I actually enjoyed it so whatever.  I had every intention of having another ice cream sundae before bed but after getting a fighting toddler to sleep I was exhausted and vetoed that idea.
Which brings us to today.  No walk, I'm seeing a trend starting, breakfast was a mocha frappacino from Starbucks and a chocolate iced doughnut.  Lunch was curry, with lots of white rice.  Snacks, see back near the top of this post.  Dinner will be shephards pie (ground beef, manwich, green beans, instant mashed potatoes and cheese).
I know this is all about the food I've had but that's all I have to go off of this week from my so called challenge.  I haven't checked my weight.  After the awesome day 1 I was done 1.5 pounds but who knows now, i'm too scared to look after seeing this all written out.
I'm sad, sad I don't try harder, sad I can't say no, sad the cravings outweigh the sadness I feel when I look at myself in the mirror.  I'm sad I can't afford to make the meals I need to, but with such a tiny budget and 5 mouths to feed, making $100 a week stretch means hot dogs, boxed meals and not super nutritious things.  I've almost all but given up hope for myself and just hope my kids don't end up like me.  Hating how they ended up because their parents never tried.  I want to be a good example to them, but I'm finding out the truth about myself more and more each day.

So, it's been awhile...

I started this blog so long ago thinking I would use it a lot more.  Apparently not.  But here I am now, years later and something on my mind and since posting 1000 times a day about things i'm sure no one really cares about I figured here was the place to do it.
See, for 2 years now I've been on what I guess you could call a weight loss journey.  A not-so-successful weight loss journey.  I honestly can't recall what weight I started at but I do know at first I did awesome and lost a good chunk of weight by doing the 21 day fix.  (disclaimer, this is not a beachbody, please join me so I can make money thing)  So I did one round of 21 day fix, lost more than I have in a small amount of time and thought, huh, i'll be a coach because in a few rounds I'll be skinny and everyone will want to join me and within a year I'll be making 6 figures and vacationing and living the dream.  That's a whole different story though, back to weight loss.
After the first round I half assed my way through half another round and started eating more non-approved foods, because duh, food, and yes, I have a big food addiction.  So we all know what happens when you eat whatever you want and don't care anymore and back to square one I went.
I've been back and forth between a 15 pound difference for the past year and a half.  I've been told how I should eat, what exercises to do, blah, blah, blah, blah but again, that damn food comes back and bites me in the butt, and it sticks.
After a lot of back and forth, and so much money gone trying to be "the best beachbody coach" and failing, truly failing, I quit the coach thing and all in all gave everything up.
I would occasionally think, okay, this week i'll try again, but we all know how that has gone, especially if you know me.  I have gotten to my heaviest weight, even with being 42 weeks pregnant I am heavier than that.  Do I care?  Of course!  Am I sad?  Some days.  Do I wish I had stuck with eating better and being more active?  Heck yes I do!  One of my times of even trying again, I did awesome.  I got through a month and then all of a sudden, BAM, knee pain.  I was down for a month, and am still having issues.  With crappy government insurance (don't get me started, again, this is for another time) I have not gone to a doctor because all the good ones won't accept me.  So I again completely gave up and told myself what's the point?  I'm who I am, I'm already married and he loves me the way I am so why even bother.  I like food, I can't exercise because of my knees, I am beyond repair so be it.
Then, here I am, now, hating the gut I see, not loving all my decisions and not caring.  So let's try again right?  But this time, I do it my way!  No intense, knee hurting exercises.  No schedule, no calorie counting, no containers and no measuring.  And there will definitely be treats.
I have made a goal to myself, and myself alone to walk every day.  I don't care how long it is, I just have to put effort in and walk.  That's it, if I feel like doing something more, I will, if not, I won't.  Then the addiction, you know, the food one we talked about?  I am just being careful with what I eat.  Smaller portions, more natural, more veggies, and less sugar and carbs, but they will still be consumed, just not in bulk in one sitting.  And keeping up on water, that's kind of a big one for me.
I know this may result in very little results, but I don't care.  It's sort of a test for me and I'm excited to try it.  Little progress is at least progress right?  So in 30 days, we'll see what happened.  Or maybe we won't, with my track record I may just quick after a week and move on.
That is where my typing all this comes in.  I'm hoping by wanting to update and write out results (and I really love writing right now) that I can stay a little more focused.
So today, day 1, I walked 25 min.

I wanted to go longer, but I ran out of sidewalk and my neighborhood isn't that big.  And I had coffee waiting for me at home.  

FOOD!!!

For breakfast it was my typical I want to be better breakfast.  One fried egg, 2 slices of bacon, water and coffee.  Lunch is not pictured, it was a very late lunch, I was very hungry and it was delicious.  It was leftovers from eating out at the Bohemian Saturday night.  Blackberry chicken with garlic mashed potatoes and steamed veggies.  Dinner, salmon, wild rice and brussel sprouts.  Then, my loving husband decided cookies were a great idea, and I had one, then popcorn happened, and I had some, but not a crazy amount.  

I'm not going to lie, I want another cookie, a big fat chocolate bar and some wine.  Wine might happen, but i'm pretty tired I may not.  

I don't know if anyone will ever read this, and that's fine.  It's more for me, and my own amusement.  And who knows, maybe this will be the best thing for me and I will become a crazy famous blogger and make my six figures and live the easy life...or not.